Final Post

Around fall when they're nice and ripe you want to go out on the flats with a bucket and pick a mess of berries. Then, mix those berries with crisco and sugar. You've now made agutuk or Eskimo ice cream. Traditionally it was made with fish and seal oil, but I've only had the berries and crisco kind. You're likely a little queasy right now thinking about this treat, but I ate berries prepared like this at every potluck, graduation, birthday party or celebration I went to when I live in rural AK. I tell people about this treat sometimes now that I live in PA, and 9 out of 10 times they're grossed out.

Thing is, isn't like every treat in aisle 5 the same thing? Some fat, some sugar, some flavor. Why do people get grossed out at berries covered in crisco but chow down a Little Debbie cupcake? If anything, at least with agutuk you know what you're getting. Maybe that's where the disconect is. You can lie to yourself with the granola bar and say "this is healthy" because you have no idea what is in it. You need a PhD in Chemistry to understand the label, so we assume it's good for us because the box says it is. Of course, as PCPers, we know that's nonsense. The only thing "good for you" is food. Real food that you can understand.

I learned a few things on the PCP. I learned that I do like real food. I went months without fast food and didn't really miss it. I didn't miss potato chips or soda. I was drinking at least a pop a day and eating Wendy's three days a week minimum. Then I stopped and I lived. Ninety days later and that habit is gone. I learned that I like strength exercises and even jumping the rope. I haven't done either seriously since the project ended and I'm starting to really miss it.

However, I did miss a nice BLT, an Italian sub, or some buffalo wings and a cold beer. And I've had a lot of wings since the project ended, but that's okay because I was aware of what I was doing. I was eating something I enjoy. I knew it would make me groggy later and it was worth it. I'm not here to live an life of denial, proving to myself forever that I can not eat desert. Last night my father in law made a lovely apple cake and I had two slices. Ala mode. Guess what? I didn't die.

I mean look, this might seem like I'm taking a tone, I'm not, I really respect the people that can do the PCP and follow every rule, that did each set to completion and really did reach peak condition. I'm not going to lie and say I did. Hell, the sorta-six pack I had developed has already started to fade.

But for me the most important part of this whole thing is to quit lying to yourself. If you're going to eat bacon then eat bacon. Don't tell yourself that it's good for you. Don't convince yourself that you'll balance it out later with an extra hour on the treadmill in the sweaty, loud, oppressive gym. Pardon my French, but just fucking enjoy it. Realize what you're doing. Be, as the zen crowd says, mindful. And, if you're not going to enjoy it, if it isn't going to be worth it, then don't eat it. Sounds simple, but is very very difficult. For me at least, the PCP was a 90 day re-hab from the mindless eating of junk food that was running me down.

I say good luck to everyone else, this was fun, keep at it and enjoy life. Patrick, sorry about the delay, last week was...eventful.

Day 89

Hey, everyone knows on the PCP you eat a lot of eggs. Well, if you're tired of eating lame, boring round eggs you should check out the Egg Cuber. This awesome device makes your hardboiled eggs into cubes. For easy storage and transportation I guess. Maybe they fit better in a Slap-chop as cubes. Ever look at the breakfast-to-go in the Slap-chop commerical? It's a hardboiled egg, a green onion and some ham, all chopped up together. What? How is that to go? Am I just walking around with greasy ham and egg chunks in my hand, munching on it like peanuts? Oh Vince, what a crack up. Anyway, enjoy the cuber. (HT Unclutterer)

Is this really my day 89 post? Yeah, it is. Maybe tomorrow will be profound.

Day 87 - this just about sums it all up

When I'm on a jog or not feeling like doing the plank or whatever, this is my go to song:

The audio quality is awful, so here are the lyrics of this part:

blow my money on my favorite company
they can blow holes in my ozone
so pour that propane on my clothes
I like it when my skin glows
besides there's nothing to live for
unless you live a little more like you're going to die

so what the fuck are you going to do?
they robbed your life from you
tell them you want to get it back
if you do, I've got your back
yes it's something worth defending
so throw caution to the wind
and other platitudes
that were written just for you
take a shit in their swimming pool
let them chase you if you do
finally something is happening to you
put an axe through the TV
blow up your radio,
though you can't see them now
you'll hear birds singing in your soul
sneak your way past the gates in a little hard heart shape

if you're gonna be a shark you better learn to stay awake

why you wanna spend your life in jail?

For a more traditional motivational monday movie, here's are these, song is amazing (Saul Williams, Reparations) and worth a download. The third one is brilliant.

Day 83 - Goals Smoals

The latest Zen is Stupid touched on something that I think about a lot. Maybe too much. The discussion was about what we set goals for, and how goals themselves can become an attachment. As I near the end of my PCP, I thought I might reflect on this here.

I've thought about this in two areas: fitness and education. I'll start with fitness. My goal with the PCP was to get in excellent shape, that I would carry through the winter. The higher level of strength and endurance will help me with cycling and triathlon, and bring my race time down. Eventually, I want to complete a half-ironman race, possibly in 2011. But here's the thing, I like races and events because they give me a goal and force me to get up in the morning to work out. Without that deadline I'll push back, stay in bed (like I did today) and be lazy. I know this will have long-term health consequences, and make me feel like crap all day. Do you see what's happened there? I train to do events because they make me train. Maybe this is good, a self-reinforcing system. But if I don't keep this cycle in mind, if I forget, then what am I doing? When I did the Philly tri last summer I saw many many many people who were just miserable. The look on their face, their posture, was just miserable. They had better times than me, but so what? I need to remember that I do this stuff because I think it is fun, and if it stops being fun I need to get out and quickly.

The second area is education. I've got my education all screwed up. Basically I started a master's program in August 2002 and am just (knock on wood) finishing up in December. In the mean time I've gotten within two classes of another masters and started a third here in PA. Now I can work this to where everything intermingles and I end up with all three just in time to start the PhD program when it is planned to start up here. But, why? Right now it is because I am interested in this Comparative Education field and the work that is being done. But the goal is to do that work, to study the intersection of education and sustainable development. And I suspect the only way to get someone to pay me for that is to get a PhD. But I'm not going to lie, if someone offered me a job tomorrow doing this kind of research I'm not sure I would take it. Because I am attached to getting a doctorate. The means has become a goal. And it's a big goal, but for what? Does it help me get to where I want to be?

This sounds like some Zen Habits or Lifehacker nonsense, but when we set our goals we have to make a distinction between strategy and tactics. The overall strategy is to live a healthy life and to study ecological economics and education. The tactics are the PCP, the races, the degrees and the other things I need to do to make that happen. It is okay to change tactics if it gets you closer to the strategic goals. This is very easy to say and very hard to do.

Day 81

Finally made it to the pool today. I'm not a good swimmer, my form is sloppy and my breathing is a joke, but I do love it. I can only go for like 25 minutes because I have to run over on my lunch hour, but that's 25 minutes where I can just zone out, not worry about email or feel like I should be reading some article about multi-lateral aid to the education sector in Turkmenistan. Doing the jumps or running requires more concentration for me, so I can't really relax the same way that I do in the pool.

Tomorrow when I go I'll have to poke my head in the gym so I can do my homework.

Also, day EIGHTY ONE? The heck did that happen?

Day 78

Back before this whole PCP thing, every couple of weeks I would eat my "mediterranean dinner". They're always talking on the news about the benefits of a mediterranean diet, right? Well, this is not that diet.

My version was pretty basic. I would get a nice salami or other spiced meat, some good cheese, some olives, maybe a loaf of sourdough and that would be my dinner. Let's break it down: fat and salt, fat and salt and salt. But it was tasty. So, even though I indulged when I blew it last week, I had this dinner last night.

I bought some chorizo, some jarlsberg, a peppered salami, some of the really stinky briney minced garlic stuffed olives and a bag of those high end honey dijon potato chips. I sliced the meats and cheese and arranged everything all nice on the plate and ate till I was full. Which was sooner than it would of been months ago.

I felt fine afterwords, very warm as my body went into overdrive trying to process the fats. And I was very thirsty, but no big disasters or anything. I know after the indulgences we're supposed to say "oh no, I could feel it clogging my heart and I started to pass out." I have no doubt that people have that experience, but I didn't. Likely because I haven't been 100% on diet.

What I did learn from the experience is that, while it was good, I also would of been fine with a big salad or Emily's Asian chicken or even a tuna fish sandwich. Which are all way better than me than salami and potato chips. So, even though my laziness is going to keep me from being all PCP hyper-ripped, I did break some really deep down food cravings during all this.

And now, back to revising that damn thesis.

Day 72

After my freakout, E said something very important about the "food" vs food situation. Basically that real food costs more than "food products". This is to be expected, virtually everything of a higher quality costs more in any market. However, it is important to remember that many "food" products cost less because the American tax payers are subsidizing them. That poor family that can't afford real food, pays for it anyway through their taxes.

What is fascinating to me is this discussion lately about a sin tax on high calorie "foods". Just to make this clear, the Feds are going to pay the manufacturers to produce HFCS and then charge the consumer for enjoying it. All in the name of saving us from ourselves. And I have yet to hear ANYONE suggest just getting rid of the subsidy - which would also cause the prices of these products to rise and have a similar expected change in demand.

Anyway, I failed HARD at the PCP this week. The conference was 13 hours or so a day of being "on", since I both attended and (slightly) helped run the thing. That led to some really questionable food choices (mozzarella sticks and beer) and not working out. Every time I get on a roll I let some environmental change take away all the gains. Very annoying.