Final Post

Around fall when they're nice and ripe you want to go out on the flats with a bucket and pick a mess of berries. Then, mix those berries with crisco and sugar. You've now made agutuk or Eskimo ice cream. Traditionally it was made with fish and seal oil, but I've only had the berries and crisco kind. You're likely a little queasy right now thinking about this treat, but I ate berries prepared like this at every potluck, graduation, birthday party or celebration I went to when I live in rural AK. I tell people about this treat sometimes now that I live in PA, and 9 out of 10 times they're grossed out.

Thing is, isn't like every treat in aisle 5 the same thing? Some fat, some sugar, some flavor. Why do people get grossed out at berries covered in crisco but chow down a Little Debbie cupcake? If anything, at least with agutuk you know what you're getting. Maybe that's where the disconect is. You can lie to yourself with the granola bar and say "this is healthy" because you have no idea what is in it. You need a PhD in Chemistry to understand the label, so we assume it's good for us because the box says it is. Of course, as PCPers, we know that's nonsense. The only thing "good for you" is food. Real food that you can understand.

I learned a few things on the PCP. I learned that I do like real food. I went months without fast food and didn't really miss it. I didn't miss potato chips or soda. I was drinking at least a pop a day and eating Wendy's three days a week minimum. Then I stopped and I lived. Ninety days later and that habit is gone. I learned that I like strength exercises and even jumping the rope. I haven't done either seriously since the project ended and I'm starting to really miss it.

However, I did miss a nice BLT, an Italian sub, or some buffalo wings and a cold beer. And I've had a lot of wings since the project ended, but that's okay because I was aware of what I was doing. I was eating something I enjoy. I knew it would make me groggy later and it was worth it. I'm not here to live an life of denial, proving to myself forever that I can not eat desert. Last night my father in law made a lovely apple cake and I had two slices. Ala mode. Guess what? I didn't die.

I mean look, this might seem like I'm taking a tone, I'm not, I really respect the people that can do the PCP and follow every rule, that did each set to completion and really did reach peak condition. I'm not going to lie and say I did. Hell, the sorta-six pack I had developed has already started to fade.

But for me the most important part of this whole thing is to quit lying to yourself. If you're going to eat bacon then eat bacon. Don't tell yourself that it's good for you. Don't convince yourself that you'll balance it out later with an extra hour on the treadmill in the sweaty, loud, oppressive gym. Pardon my French, but just fucking enjoy it. Realize what you're doing. Be, as the zen crowd says, mindful. And, if you're not going to enjoy it, if it isn't going to be worth it, then don't eat it. Sounds simple, but is very very difficult. For me at least, the PCP was a 90 day re-hab from the mindless eating of junk food that was running me down.

I say good luck to everyone else, this was fun, keep at it and enjoy life. Patrick, sorry about the delay, last week was...eventful.

Day 89

Hey, everyone knows on the PCP you eat a lot of eggs. Well, if you're tired of eating lame, boring round eggs you should check out the Egg Cuber. This awesome device makes your hardboiled eggs into cubes. For easy storage and transportation I guess. Maybe they fit better in a Slap-chop as cubes. Ever look at the breakfast-to-go in the Slap-chop commerical? It's a hardboiled egg, a green onion and some ham, all chopped up together. What? How is that to go? Am I just walking around with greasy ham and egg chunks in my hand, munching on it like peanuts? Oh Vince, what a crack up. Anyway, enjoy the cuber. (HT Unclutterer)

Is this really my day 89 post? Yeah, it is. Maybe tomorrow will be profound.

Day 87 - this just about sums it all up

When I'm on a jog or not feeling like doing the plank or whatever, this is my go to song:

The audio quality is awful, so here are the lyrics of this part:

blow my money on my favorite company
they can blow holes in my ozone
so pour that propane on my clothes
I like it when my skin glows
besides there's nothing to live for
unless you live a little more like you're going to die

so what the fuck are you going to do?
they robbed your life from you
tell them you want to get it back
if you do, I've got your back
yes it's something worth defending
so throw caution to the wind
and other platitudes
that were written just for you
take a shit in their swimming pool
let them chase you if you do
finally something is happening to you
put an axe through the TV
blow up your radio,
though you can't see them now
you'll hear birds singing in your soul
sneak your way past the gates in a little hard heart shape

if you're gonna be a shark you better learn to stay awake

why you wanna spend your life in jail?

For a more traditional motivational monday movie, here's are these, song is amazing (Saul Williams, Reparations) and worth a download. The third one is brilliant.

Day 83 - Goals Smoals

The latest Zen is Stupid touched on something that I think about a lot. Maybe too much. The discussion was about what we set goals for, and how goals themselves can become an attachment. As I near the end of my PCP, I thought I might reflect on this here.

I've thought about this in two areas: fitness and education. I'll start with fitness. My goal with the PCP was to get in excellent shape, that I would carry through the winter. The higher level of strength and endurance will help me with cycling and triathlon, and bring my race time down. Eventually, I want to complete a half-ironman race, possibly in 2011. But here's the thing, I like races and events because they give me a goal and force me to get up in the morning to work out. Without that deadline I'll push back, stay in bed (like I did today) and be lazy. I know this will have long-term health consequences, and make me feel like crap all day. Do you see what's happened there? I train to do events because they make me train. Maybe this is good, a self-reinforcing system. But if I don't keep this cycle in mind, if I forget, then what am I doing? When I did the Philly tri last summer I saw many many many people who were just miserable. The look on their face, their posture, was just miserable. They had better times than me, but so what? I need to remember that I do this stuff because I think it is fun, and if it stops being fun I need to get out and quickly.

The second area is education. I've got my education all screwed up. Basically I started a master's program in August 2002 and am just (knock on wood) finishing up in December. In the mean time I've gotten within two classes of another masters and started a third here in PA. Now I can work this to where everything intermingles and I end up with all three just in time to start the PhD program when it is planned to start up here. But, why? Right now it is because I am interested in this Comparative Education field and the work that is being done. But the goal is to do that work, to study the intersection of education and sustainable development. And I suspect the only way to get someone to pay me for that is to get a PhD. But I'm not going to lie, if someone offered me a job tomorrow doing this kind of research I'm not sure I would take it. Because I am attached to getting a doctorate. The means has become a goal. And it's a big goal, but for what? Does it help me get to where I want to be?

This sounds like some Zen Habits or Lifehacker nonsense, but when we set our goals we have to make a distinction between strategy and tactics. The overall strategy is to live a healthy life and to study ecological economics and education. The tactics are the PCP, the races, the degrees and the other things I need to do to make that happen. It is okay to change tactics if it gets you closer to the strategic goals. This is very easy to say and very hard to do.

Day 81

Finally made it to the pool today. I'm not a good swimmer, my form is sloppy and my breathing is a joke, but I do love it. I can only go for like 25 minutes because I have to run over on my lunch hour, but that's 25 minutes where I can just zone out, not worry about email or feel like I should be reading some article about multi-lateral aid to the education sector in Turkmenistan. Doing the jumps or running requires more concentration for me, so I can't really relax the same way that I do in the pool.

Tomorrow when I go I'll have to poke my head in the gym so I can do my homework.

Also, day EIGHTY ONE? The heck did that happen?

Day 78

Back before this whole PCP thing, every couple of weeks I would eat my "mediterranean dinner". They're always talking on the news about the benefits of a mediterranean diet, right? Well, this is not that diet.

My version was pretty basic. I would get a nice salami or other spiced meat, some good cheese, some olives, maybe a loaf of sourdough and that would be my dinner. Let's break it down: fat and salt, fat and salt and salt. But it was tasty. So, even though I indulged when I blew it last week, I had this dinner last night.

I bought some chorizo, some jarlsberg, a peppered salami, some of the really stinky briney minced garlic stuffed olives and a bag of those high end honey dijon potato chips. I sliced the meats and cheese and arranged everything all nice on the plate and ate till I was full. Which was sooner than it would of been months ago.

I felt fine afterwords, very warm as my body went into overdrive trying to process the fats. And I was very thirsty, but no big disasters or anything. I know after the indulgences we're supposed to say "oh no, I could feel it clogging my heart and I started to pass out." I have no doubt that people have that experience, but I didn't. Likely because I haven't been 100% on diet.

What I did learn from the experience is that, while it was good, I also would of been fine with a big salad or Emily's Asian chicken or even a tuna fish sandwich. Which are all way better than me than salami and potato chips. So, even though my laziness is going to keep me from being all PCP hyper-ripped, I did break some really deep down food cravings during all this.

And now, back to revising that damn thesis.

Day 72

After my freakout, E said something very important about the "food" vs food situation. Basically that real food costs more than "food products". This is to be expected, virtually everything of a higher quality costs more in any market. However, it is important to remember that many "food" products cost less because the American tax payers are subsidizing them. That poor family that can't afford real food, pays for it anyway through their taxes.

What is fascinating to me is this discussion lately about a sin tax on high calorie "foods". Just to make this clear, the Feds are going to pay the manufacturers to produce HFCS and then charge the consumer for enjoying it. All in the name of saving us from ourselves. And I have yet to hear ANYONE suggest just getting rid of the subsidy - which would also cause the prices of these products to rise and have a similar expected change in demand.

Anyway, I failed HARD at the PCP this week. The conference was 13 hours or so a day of being "on", since I both attended and (slightly) helped run the thing. That led to some really questionable food choices (mozzarella sticks and beer) and not working out. Every time I get on a roll I let some environmental change take away all the gains. Very annoying.

Day 68 - When PCP'ers stop being polite

Tomorrow I'm attending this Comparative Education conference and I thought I'd buy a couple new pair of pants for the occasion since my basic business casual khakis were looking a little shot. So I swing by the outdoor mall on the way home and wander into LL Bean. I look at the racks and find just a basic pair of pants in a nice color, you know, pants. No big deal. I start to look for my size.

Now, I've always been pretty skinny and a few years ago I gave up on ratcheting down size 32 pants and just started buying 30 or 31. So I start digging through these pants, there are shelves of them and I realize I'm not going to find anything. There is nothing in this style with a waist smaller than 34. Okay. Fine. I've been scrawny for a long time, I know the deal. So I find another pair I like and - you guessed it - nothing below a 32. And then I quit caring if the pants looked good or whatever, I'm just looking for pants with a waist smaller than 32 inches. And of course, there aren't any. None.

I figure, what the heck, I'm here already, try the 32 and see if they work. What's the harm. So I grab the 32 off the shelf and then notice the length is 30. The only 32 inch waist pants in the whole giant LL Bean store have a 30 inch length. I need 32. So, there are no pants - including jeans and the "technical" waterproof deals - in this whole store that fits me.

That's when I had to leave the store. Now if this had been some other store I might not have minded too much. But I'm standing there looking at the selection of bicycles and kayaks for sale right next to the pants and there is nothing for a skinny person to wear. Have you ever seen a professional cyclist? They make me look like Chris Farley. And LL Bean is selling that life style, right? They're saying "shop here and you'll be a fitness loving rugged outdoors man who kayaks to the mountain bike trail and the rides to the deer stand." They have giant photographs of dudes on fishing expeditions or standing on cliffs, and those dudes likely can't buy pants in the store itself.

So, I leave the store and go to Old Navy where I buy literally the only pants in THAT store that fits me.

And really, this is no big deal in the long run, I went back into Bean and bought some sweaters and shirts. The world did not end.

But I do want to say the following, and it might be offensive, I don't know.

This morning on NPR I heard the phrase "just another example of discrimination against the fat". I don't remember the exact context, something about the health care debate. My point is, what discrimination? Almost every grocery store and restaurant in America caters to the obese. I can't buy gas without someone trying to sell me sausage and cheese between pancakes. Now I have to order my clothes on the internet because they aren't available. Forget Big and Tall stores, we need Skinny and Tall; EVERY store is for the big. Discrimination? "The fat" are running this show for crying out loud.

Did I do anything to be skinny? Does it make me a better person? No, of course not. Hell, I started this project to GAIN weight. I fail at the PCP every single day, I'm not saying it is easy to change. It's luck in the genetic lottery, I know that. But I'm just sick of hearing about how tough things are for people that drink Coke at breakfast or eat McDonald's every day. And so what if they advertise? People really cannot overcome a picture of a hamburger with some silly music and a lame joke? Honestly? Every time I watch TV the breaks are full of ads for crap like 2 and Half Men, but I don't watch it, because I know it is crap. People don't know by now that Burger King is crap? Of course it's crap. It has always been crap. It's not like they were selling fruit salad and the changed it up all the sudden. "Oh it's the high fructose corn syrup. ADM is evil for putting it in my food." Then don't buy that food. No HFCS in an apple. No multinational added sugars to the carrots.

Do I slip up on the diet? Of course, everyone slips, but take responsibility for it. Are there genetic or cultural factors. Sure. But how many graduates of this program would of said they just had bad genetics before starting? How many people never try because they're given that excuse day in day out by some talking head on TV. Tell people they're always going to be out of shape because of their genes or culture or socio-economics status or whatever and they will always be out of shape. Tell people they can improve and they'll improve.

Is that too naive? Maybe. Sorry if I'm a jerk. Long couple days at work topped by this nonsense today.

Alright, enough being a baby, time to cook up some dinner.

Day 66 - Monday [Night] Motivational Movie

Of course, I left my trunks at home, brought a towel and no trunks. Tomorrow I swim.

Anyway, enjoy the movie. I know I use so many are Nike ads, but they sell athleticism and they sell it well.

Day 65

I was glad to find out that I was failing correctly.

I don't think I have yet to make it through the whole time jumping rope without having to take a quick 10-second breather every now and then. I'm impressed with the people that can cross arms and stuff, I do the one foot then the other thing, but the second I cross it all falls apart.

Tomorrow I'm going to swim on my lunch break, I've been meaning to get back in the pool for weeks and it is time. It'll help with the jumps, keep me lean and - most importantly - take me away from my desk for an hour.

This week, for the first time, I planned out my meals for the week and used that to shop. I'll have to re-up meats and veg on Wednesday, but hopefully I can stick to the diet this week. I agree, Jessica, it is a lot of yogurt, but I needs the protein if I'm going to put on some muscles, right?

New Picture up, looks like some progress, but I can't really tell because of the lighting. Like the fake "I'm flexing as hard as I can" smile on my face?

Day 61

Jessica, reaching muscle failure is easy. In my first set I do exactly how many of whatever Patrick demands. The max reps if he gives a range. The second set I do the same. The third usually is a fight to get to the minimum reps. The fourth and/or fifth involve a lot of shaking, grunting and getting as many reps in before I drop the band or fall on my face. With floorjumps it means I make a jumping motion, but the distance I leave the ground is roughly the thickness of two human hairs.

I know when I reach muscle failure when I can't drink my post work-out milk because the mug is too heavy to bring up to my mouth. From your day 60 post you're already reaching what I call muscle failure, which makes me wonder if I'm not really reaching muscle failure. Am I failing at failing?

Day 60, [Tuesday] Motivational Movie

Two-thirds in and I'm bringing back the big motivation:

When I forget why I'm downstairs jumping rope in the night, this video always helps.

Unlike Jess I can reach muscle failure in my legs and holy crap, two days after Monday's workout I am still sore. Which is good, tearing fibers and rebuilding them stronger. The timed jumps are getting better, but I'm with Amy, I just straight jump, the arm cross just ends up with me twaping myself in the face. But the timed jumps are getting better. I was really speeding through sets of 150 or 200 before. It's just about pacing myself now.

Day 55

Rough Draft done and sent, final word count 11,470, 45 pages in word. Whew. Now I sit here for a couple of weeks and be nervous. But at least the ball is rolling.

Thanks for all the comments about the pull-ups. It was good to hear. A lot of times I look at the sheet and read the emails and think everyone else is powering through every set and every rep just like the picture. Not very realistic I guess. It is still frustrating because I could do more last week, but I also went on a egg hiatus with no other protein to substitute, so that's what I get.

Anyone else hate timed jumps? As long as we're being honest? My final couple of sets are like "jump...pant...pant...pant....jump...pant pant pant..." I know the goal is to improve, but it is quite a transition from knocking down 150 sets to having to just keep going until my watch beeps.

Day 54

7,622 words and I am writing this on a quick bathroom break. Dear old and new PCPers alike, do not decided that 200g of asparagus is part of a good breakfast. It is too much. That's the best advice I know right now. Two hours later and I'm still stuffed. Good to be eating back on plan though, I need to build the muscles up. Yesterday I could only do a handful of regular pull-ups and had to go back to the inclines. Lame.

Day 53 - Natural Born Procrastinator

I procrastinate, that's what I do. I put off my workouts, eating, work and school.

I am, right this instant on a two hour break from working on my final project for a master's degree I started in 2002. My advisor finally gave me a "have something to me by X" date and I had to take two days off to get it to him. So I'm home, in my PJs getting it done.

The worst part is I just wrote 3024 words in two hours. A lot of it was based off of earlier papers and research, but still. I've sat on this thing for 5 years (when I was coursework complete) and I got what W|A tells me is 13 pages done in two hours. Now is no time to gloat, that's just the introduction and the theory application will be a pain, but I'm moving.

So, time to take this little break, let the dog use the bathroom, check the mail, knock back some tuna and carbs and then get back to work. Maybe I'll sneak in some extra abs work while I'm at it. One thing I will not be doing today? Limiting my coffee. Sorry Patrick, I know it is toxic and destroying me but when I hit that 4pm slump I will enjoy a tall cup. At least it isn't a big cup of bacon fat, right?

The worst worst worst feeling about procrastination is how good it feels when you finally stop sitting on the couch and turn the doing dial up a notch.

I could go on and on about discount rates and brain chemistry and why that feeling is so easy to forget, but I'm on a short break here and don't want to lose that momentium. So, I've been reading everyone's blogs just not commenting, keep it up, you're all rockstars. Anshuman, I know that frustration - I'm still losing weight - but don't let it get to you, just let it fuel you workout. Alright, got to go

Day 51 - Beautiful Day

I love the fall. It's true. I don't have much use for the sweltering heat of summer and when it comes to an end it just brings me such joy. This week we transitioned from shorts weather to jean weather and I could not be happier. A nice crisp breeze is blowing and the sky seems clearer from the cold.

The workout have been really kicking my butt this week, I cannot do 4 full sets of dips and end up going back to propping my legs up for the last set every time. I'm getting there and it is nice to feel that comforting soreness the next day.

I had my indulgence last week before we even had permission. After being up past midnight reading about structural violence and other cheerful topics, I left the house in a rush without having breakfast. As my stomach fed on itself I decided I had to eat something, so, like an idiot I pulled into Wendy's. Their options were limited, as you can imagine. You know, McDonalds gets a lot of crap for being unhealthy, but at least they make an effort. Wendy's and Burger King have embrased the fact they sell you crap that will kill you (esp. BK) and they're not targeted nearly as much. Almost makes you feel bad for Ronald McDonald. Almost. Anyway, I got a fried chicken biscut thing.

There is a book I like, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. In it a character comes out from under a spell and it is described as they had a piece of opaque glass covering every aspect of his life and it was suddenly broken. Without exaggeration that is how I felt after eating that chicken, only opposite. Everything was slow and my thoughts were cloudy. I'm sure lack of sleep didn't help, but wow it was amazing what an effect it had. I would of been better off losing the kcals and being hungry until lunch.

Daisy is being a total spaz, so I have to take her on a run. Welcome to the new crew! Keep up the work everyone.

Day 48 - reflection and musings, also sarcasm

Where I last taught was an alternative school. For those that don't know, this is the school kids go to after they get expelled. Not that they're all bad kids (some are) but almost all of them say the same thing when confronted with something hard, like math. They say, "I just can't do this, I don't think this way, it isn't who I am."

The argument, which they cannot articulate because they've been socially promoted through 8 to 12 years of schooling, is that they are at some level genetically or culturally hardwired to be incapable of completing the task. The task can be sitting still, not throwing things, not dropping the f-word every three minutes, writing a five paragraph essay or anything else. It doesn't really matter. The point I'm making is there is a instant reaction that anything that requires effort is impossible, and then fear of failure prevents them from even trying. Learned helplessness is the buzzword most often used to describe these situations.

I'm uncomfortable with these explanations, as my sarcasm above should make clear. It sounds too much like determinism, like saying because someone is born poor, or hispanic, or black then they will never be able to comprehend a linear equation. Or because someone has a record they will always be a criminal, so why bother trying. It is just in their nature.

Pardon the language but I call bullshit. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe nature will out in the long run. For sure, maintaining the peak condition lifestyle has been a real struggle for me, but I have to believe in the ability for humans to change their behaviors. Otherwise what is the point? Of anything?

Day 45 - Halfway Point Movie

Woah, someone filmed my subconscious yelling at Patrick, who is oddly enough is played by an African-American woman:

And the remix:

Anyway, been working the PCP at about 80% capacity lately, which is weak because it's just the Condition Project. It is working, I'm getting in shape and feeling stronger. I managed to knock out 300 jumps without stopping - which is a new record. I don't know how Anshuman does 286,513,456 in a row every time. Sorry for being slack on the blog, but they expect me to work at work all of the sudden so my putzing online time is more restricted.

Okay, time for bed to get my solid seven before a morning workout.

Day 41 - Stress

Different people have different stress responses. A lot of people turn to food. I forget to eat. Two days in a row things have been silly enough at work that I've looked at the clock and said "crap it's noon".

Skipped the jump rope because I walk / jog /sprinted with Daisy for nearly three miles today.

Going to bed early to make up for staying up past midnight yesterday.

Made a decision at work today, things will get done when they get done. I have overworked myself to meet unreasonable deadlines since I got the job in January and set that as my co-worker's expectation. Now I need to stop rushing because that has reset the deadlines to where a rush job is a normal job. Not trying to whine, I'm lucky to have a job. I am just trying to be more assertive and mindful of what is important to me.

So, bed now.

Also, v-sits still suck. Bicycles too, but I think I am doing them wrong, my legs feel it way more than my abs.

Day 39 - Monday Morning Motivational Movie

This one is maybe a little personal: